this is gracelynn

Sometimes I feel really tired.
I mean I try so hard getting things I want and I never get it.
It's like running and running just to get an object.
pretty pointless isn't it?
But really, I mean won't you feel incomplete.
I mean you'll never actually feel complete but at least you get what you want.
And then I keep envying thouse who seem to jsut have about everything.
You say that no one can have everything, but the just seem to do about just that, from money to friends to freedom.
All the little details.
I mean I do wish I could have whatever I want even a skill but I just can't seem to.
And I feel fucking tired.
I feel like it pointless but I just need to have it.
I mean there are so many things in my life besides this that make me feel tired.
What?
Friends, I mean it's not the close ones.
Just those where you hang out with and you feel tired just being with them. Feeling so conscious cause you don't know how they feel about you, okay that's about almost everyone but there are some particular ones like for example she asks you something and you don't want to do it, she demandds and you know if you don't you're gna be up for some ear bandage.
I mean if it's those closer friends, you won't mind helping out, maybe it's biased but I mean don't you think friends too need chemistry just to be really close?
I don't think I can ever have a friend that you can say 'be there all the time for you'.
What crap is this.
I mean not that I'm referring to anybody but the point is, is there really one?
Okay. Maybe God, but besides Him, I mean I have to say I don't even have a strong faith in him.
I can't find comfort in Him all the time.
When I feel empty or lonely and seek him, I still feel the same, like I need a human being.
Someone I can touch feel, hear.
I mean will there be someone that you don't feel bad doing all the stupid stuff to him or her, being annoying and fucking irritating and they just don't get annoyed.
My expectations are ridiculous right?
But I mean, you really won't find a friend you can feel totally comfortable with what.
I feel nostalgic.
I keep reminiscing the past, being so stupid and blur thinking the world was great, nothing to care about dancing in the rain naked and not feeling self conscious.
How come we can't grow up like kids, so unknowlegeable yet mature.
Not feeling insecure about yourself yet be self aware.
I don't like growing up.
I feel like I'm competeing against time.
Like I need to know photoshop before everyone does, this are little stuffs but I don't know even p3 kids are learning it and I'm lost about it.
Getting better at art cause I do wanna be int e arts industry.
I mean I wouldn't wanna be pro at 80 and expect myself to be in the artist's world right?

I shouldn't be thinking so mucha and typing random chunks stuck tgt without paragraphs.

Okay, my blog's dead.